Hello, my name is Carl. I was born in a time when mooing bovine were vicious hunters. Thrashing about the countryside like a frenzied gaggle of geese they killed and devoured any creature that happened to cross their path. This was a time when the outstretched lands were saturated with slimy cow slobbers and piles of rancid cow poop. A person daring to venture outward from their cave, and taking a step in any direction, gave true meaning to the term stinky feet.
Cows were everywhere. Neither man nor beast was safe from these predators. A cow’s razor sharp teeth could peel the feathers off of a turkey’s ass before the turkey could gobble its’ last horror filled gobble. The rampaging cow would be the only one gobbling as it gobbled down the poor unfortunate turkey. Afterwards, with a full belly, the cow would expel noxious gases out its’ backside, and poop another wad of poop for humans to step in.
For years humans lived in fear and loathing of these heathens from hell. Then, once upon a time, the village idiot invented the knife and fork, and the reign of the savage cow came to an end.
From out of the caves humankind emerged, and life was good. And so was the tasty cow.
Other than that----I was born in the year after my other siblings were born. So that means my age would be calculated from that point in time. That’s how old I am.
As for my private life-----it’s pretty well private. Plus, there’s nothing spectacular about my life which I have cause to brag about. I don’t live in a palace of gold, and I don’t own anything of measurable value.
My best and only true friend is my dog, Teeny. So I can’t relate to you stories about all my great human friends, and my wonderful fulfilling social life, because neither exist. That’s how it is..
If ever the time comes---and I’m at a point in my life whereas I can’t care for myself properly, or I’m in ill health, and my life has become disheartening, hopefully I’ll have the nerve to have a last toast with a tall glass of whiskey and a handful of sleeping pills. As for me, I have no desire to be a burden to anyone upon this earth. If faced by the mentioned terms, maybe I can pass on without much ado. After I’m dead, incinerate my worthless carcass without any type of memorial or farewell service….
Hopefully, I’ll reside with my God in another world after I leave this one…
With that said----perhaps you know a little more about me now….lalalalalala
C.E.Vance
